Rachel Jenae

there’s just no time to waste…

My brother has wanted me to get a tatoo for a few years now. Kind of a bonding-thing for the two of us to do. I have never been able to think of anything I wanted permanently on my body, but today someone made a comment to me and i realized I needed to write it on my hand so I would constantly be reminded of it. Then I realized…no…a tatoo would be better! I’m thinking about putting it right on the inside of my wrist in a small cursive font. This probably doesn’t make sense to alot of you, but when I heard it stuck. How much of our lives do we waste? Waste on pointless things. Waste on frustrations that were never meant ours to solve. Waste on opinions that were never meant to be voiced. Waste on watching tv and pleasing ourselves. And wasting TIME and not keeping eternity in mind! Seriously… i forget every day!

there’s just no time to waste

It’s really quite miraculous how much time God doesn’t waste. I was only in Cyprus for 9 days and so much happened I’m still processing it all. How did God do so much in 9 days? I was worried how hard it would be to return back to ‘normal’ life and back to work after this trip. Worried about all that it might stir up, but a huge part of what was stirred up was completely different than I expected. All of this ugly-repulsive-not-perfect-at-all stuff was stirred up to be dealt with. Not that I really think I’m perfect, but with the everydayness of life when does this stuff have a chance to get stirred up to the surface to be dealt with.

The day after I arrived to Cyprus I began dealing with some major anxiety. From the second I woke up it was like swirling lies in my head, accusing, doubting, disturbing…until the second I layed my head down to sleep. It was quite tiring if you can imagine. Part of me was just so upset that I was even dealing with this old thing that condemnation was piling on top of it all. How after being freed from so much could I allow this thing to beat me up again? Aggravation station! I wasn’t sure how it had been let back in, but by Sunday I was in tears. For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, it was the fear that brought anxiety, which brought about physical shaking and an overwhelmed heart and mind. It’s really quite ridiculous. I could pinpoint some of my fears, but overall it just didn’t make sense.

Sunday afternoon I sat down with a couple that use to be pastors at my church and I love and trust. I told them what I was dealing with and through much prayer over the next hour so much was revealed to me about where it was all coming from. Wanting to be in control, doubting the goodness of God and His good plans for my future, thinking somehow He allowed me to get malaria so wondering what else He would allow and even going back to the breakin at my apartment and just trusting the Lord with everything.

When I left them I knew some major truth had penetrated my heart. It’s all about being a daughter and resting in my Father’s love. ‘Perfect love cast out all fear’. It’s an easy phrase to memorize, but a hard one to really grasp and have a revelation of!

As the rest of the week went on, my heart felt lighter and lighter. Like I’d been carrying a weight for so long that I didn’t even know. I felt like one by one arrows I’d been shot with by the enemy were not just being broken off, but being pulled out and then He was just washing and healing all my wounds. Wounds of disappointment, of hurt, of lies I’d begun to believe and so much more.

I knew way in advance God had alot in store for this trip, but He surpassed my expectations. Traveling by myself was a little nerveracking on the way there, but on my way home it was quite possibly the easiest and best trip I’ve EVER taken. Like just driving across town, as crazy as that sounds. I had very little, if any, jetlag going either way and stayed completely healthy despite a stomach bug going around there and a huge lack of sleep! And I relish in great grace!

Being with my brother was one of the best parts. He has changed in so many ways. There’s a joy and a brightness in his eyes I’m not sure I’ve ever seen. The only way I can explain it is that he looks like he’s decided to just let go of so much that he was dragging and carrying with him. I won’t say much more on him, because I want him to be able to tell his own story, but being together in the nations was just a glimpse of what I believe is much more to come!

Most of the trip I just jumped into the schedule with the students. We had worship every morning and then I sat in on several teachings. I assisted with meal preparations from time to time and was able to spend a good amount of time catching up with a few other friends that are there. We attended a conference the last three days that was in the city of Limasol, about 45 minutes away, and it was incredible! Heidi Baker spoke the first night, Karen Dunham spoke the next night and then Gordon Robertson during one of the day sessions. It was such a powerful time in my life, where I wasn’t a leader, in charge of anything, or a student that needed to serve. I was just there to receive and meet with the Lord and that’s exactly what happened.

So many boxes were broken in my mind and I realized things that use to seem difficult, or that I thought would be, seem quite simple now. So many things that seemed to be clogging my hearing and seeing have been removed. I am still processing so much of what happened last week! It was a life changing time! I feel, for the first time in my life, that I’m stepping into my destiny. I’m stepping into my future. Not in a hurry or striving, but just that God’s making known things that use to be mysteries to me and establishing me as a daughter in love. Which I realize I know much about in theory, but little about in reality. The desires of my heart are starting to meet up with the realities of my life and make some sense. And at the same time I hit the sobering reality that He is God and I am not and my opinions, theories, frustrations and mindsets rarely match up with His will and what I ‘think’ His will is. That reality has made it much easier to sit and wait and just rest in His love.

I realize this blog didn’t really give alot of details about what I did on my trip. I started to go into the day to day details, but realized this is much more exciting and the important part of it all. Thank you all for your prayers. They were very much needed and heard! Love you all!