Rachel Jenae

You’re Enough

In January I led worship for a small women’s retreat called Refresh.  We had planned for this event for a year and six months earlier I was asked to co-lead the worship with a friend. I was excited to be apart and we started monthly rehearsals to prepare. Even in my excitement somehow it never really occurred to me that I was co-leading this team. I practiced songs assigned to me, but until two weeks before the event I somehow never realized it actually meant I was co-leading and I would be leading 14 songs in two days.

When the realization finally came, while sitting in our last rehearsal, I started to panic. There was no way I could do this. I would fail. I’d fail everybody.  I wouldn’t remember melodies and timing and lyrics and much less leading the band or the people. I was not enough to do this. I didn’t have enough experience or enough memory space or…fill in the blank.  I called a friend on my drive home that night and vomited my fear. I would have to drop out. I’d have to withdraw and be sick or something. My friend on the phone convinced me to just sleep on it. Ok, but then I’m dropping out tomorrow. I’d rather be a quitter today than a failure in front of a 100 women tomorrow. Good thinking I know.

Somehow I convinced myself the next day to just do what I could do in the next couple weeks to memorize and prepare. Maybe I could skate by.  Days before the event I was still trying to figure a way out, but I really wanted to be at the event and had already paid for my hotel room. I also realized that if my co-leader thought I could do this, then maybe she knew something I didn’t. Maybe really mediocre leading was ok. Maybe I was expecting too much of myself, which was usually the case.

The day before the event we had a leadership dinner and a lady was brought in to speak a word and pray over us.  As she went around our table praying for each of us she stopped behind me and shared these words, “I sense that you’ve been wrestling with a lot of anxiety. Not fear, you don’t deal with fear. But God’s going to give you all that you need.” I knew the difference in what she was saying. Fear was a spirit and anxiety was a habit of my own soul.

That same night I was given a handwritten note from my friend who’s over the event. The note was all about the strength she saw in me and how I got it from the Lord. Humbled at the note I knew I had not been living in that head-space the last couple weeks. Was it really possible that if God had put me in this season and brought me to this moment that He’d already put everything in me that I would need and all I had to do was rely on Him to draw it out? On that note I decided to go to sleep. At this point there was no going back.

The next morning we had rehearsal and 30 minutes before we were about to start I realized that I was starting to get really nervous. Standing in the back of the room where women were starting to enter and find their seats, I asked God to help me. If that word from the night before could be so pinpointed to tell me that He would give me all that I need, I thought it might be a good idea to ask for it. He spoke back words so quickly that I’ll never forget.

He said, “Just be present, right here, right now, and know that I declare you enough. You don’t have to think ahead and prepare yourself to be enough for that moment, you can simply know that I will be with you when you get to that moment just as I’m with you now. Living in the present will silence your anxiety. Just be here and know that I’m enough in you right now and will be for every moment to follow.”

My shaking had stopped. Anxiety was gone. And now it was time to start.

I wish I had clips of the worship to show you here, but I don’t. Not to validate my voice or leadership abilities, but to show you His. Song after song, session after session, His presence filled the room and I never questioned again if I was enough. I never once felt nervous. I felt made for this. I felt His powerful presence invading my limited abilities and leading us into songs and melodies I’d never heard before. His power was empowering an entire room of women through worship.

At the end of the very last session the last night, we finished the last song and closed out the retreat. I then stepped back while another woman came up to share a few closing announcements. It was then that it hit me. We’d done it. He’d been right – He was enough in me for each moment. I hadn’t quit. I hadn’t failed. I had somehow actually been really good. I had felt at home – in my skin, in my voice, in my leading – and that’s when it wrecked me. If He could do this through my simple yes, what else could He do if I was willing to let Him? My anxiety had been my ceiling. Always measuring opportunities by what I could see and what I felt confident I could do or achieve. This was neither. I could not lead good worship as a check list to achieve – my heart had to be fully present and confident in Him alone.

I have been wrecked once again by His grace and kindness.

On a lighter note, here are some photos of the amazing weekend. This event is true to it’s name and utterly refreshing. Check it out online and make plans to join us next year in Southlake, Texas.