Rachel Jenae

Hard Cold Evidence

I’m sure this really won’t be that much of a shocker, but…wait for it…

I am not perfect.   

Actually most days I’m really not even myself.  I’m this lame impersonation of who I know I’m really suppose to be, but can’t seem to be.

I hate knowing this. Not that I’m not perfect, but that I am not the real me.  I hate that it’s true.  I hate that most days I am only a small glimpse of the me God intended to be seen. 

I hate knowing that I choose it. I choose not to be fully ME and it is my choice.  I choose less than the best. I choose to give in.  I choose to give my time to things that build nothing.  I choose to reflect something other than Jesus.  It’s no one else’s fault but my own.  I choose not to be fully alive each day even when I have the best of intentions.  Even on my best of best days I fail in comparison to God’s original intent for Jenae Tankersley. 

And that’s when the excuses come. 

When slapped in the face with such a blunt reality my mind races for excuses. It’s innate in us as humans, dating back to Adam in the garden.  We make excuses for everything.  Why we were late.  Why we didn’t call.  Why we didn’t do what we said.  Why we didn’t do the right thing.  Why it’s someone else’s fault. Why we haven’t accomplished something we set out to.  Why we don’t follow the rules.  Why we don’t love and have compassion on others. Excuses.

We’re full of them.  Every. Single. Day. 

But bottom line… no one is responsible for me, but… ME! 

In six months I will enter the next decade of my life!  There’s an anticipation building in my heart for this next 10 years and all that God has in store, but I’ve already started reflecting on the last decade.  I won’t look back but for a second cause I know God redeems time like no other, but for that one second, a sadness comes over my heart as I wonder if I was faithful with all that He gave me.  I think about how many opportunities I may have missed and how many things God had planned for my life up to this point that I never even imagined were possibilities, because I was looking at me instead of Him.   And then I turn and look forward and try to dream bigger, setting my gaze higher and more sternly, deciding inwardly to run harder and pursue His heart more fully. 

You see I’ve started making a list of good excuses.  Really good ones.  To a sympathetic person they sound really good.  To a friend they pobably sound reasonable.  But to a God, who sees and knows all, well, they probably sound pretty lame. 

But the hard cold evidence of those excuses lead nowhere!  They amount to nothing.  Cause at the end of my life, when I give an account for what I did with my time and my gifts and my heart, no one will be standing with me.  When I stand before the Lord, the creator of the universe, and He shows me His perspective and wisdom on all of life, all of my realllly good excuses will be burned up.  When I account for the gifts He gave me that I didn’t use.  When I account for the blessings He poured out on my life that I didn’t pour out to others.  When I explain to Him that I was too tired, I didn’t have enough money, I didn’t ‘feel’ like it, I was too shy or insecure, that I was too busy or that I simply didn’t know… I’m just not so sure those will go over that well with Him.  Oh He’ll still love me and welcome me into the Kingdom, but the look on His face when I fully realize all that I was capable of and did not even get close to tapping into because I was more focused on me than Him, I’m sure it will pierce deeper than anything I’ve ever known. 

In a great book called, ‘Crazy Love’, Francis Chan hits it head on; ” For years I gave God leftovers and felt no shame. I simply took my eyes off scripture and instead compared myself to others.  The bones I threw at God had more meat on them than the bones others threw, so I figured I was doing fine.”

This leaves me oh so overwhelmingly amazed by God’s grace and His relentless love that never leaves or forsakes me and promises to finish what He’s started.  It reminds me to take a good hard look at Grace in the mirror and remember what I’m really suppose to look like each day. 

And maybe if I remember this a little more each day and stop making excuses,  I’ll start acting more like the real me, instead of just an impersonator.

From glory to glory…