Rachel Jenae

The Haunting

She was convinced.  

That’s it? Just like that?  In a matter of moments?  Convinced of what?  Look in your own heart–you’ll see. 

Convinced God was holding out on her.  Convinced she could not trust His heart toward her.  Convinced that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands.  

And so she did.  

Now every woman is forever haunted by Eve in the core of her being. 

And in turn…

Our first father–the first real man–gave in to paralysis.  He denied his very nature and went passive.  And every man after him, every son of Adam, carries in his heart now the same failure.  Every man repeats the sin of Adam, every day.  He won’t risk, he won’t fight, and he won’t rescue Eve.

You can see this play itself out every day.  

-Captivating, by John & Staci Eldredge

When the truth is exposed most of us are still living and fighting to be free of this curse.  For the above to not be true about me, individually. We understand a tiny, itty-bitty fraction of the grace that sets us free and living by a faith that redeems by the act of one flawless man on a tree. But the raw truth is that deep down inside we are still trying to kill this thing that haunts us.

As a woman I see it play out in my relationships the most.  In my heart I am all about people. About knowing them and being fully known by them.  It’s a longing set in most of our feminine hearts. My relationships are dear to me and when I feel I am failing with those, I feel I am altogether failing in life. Should it be this way? No, but the truth is much of the time it is. My grace and glory get lost amidst my determination and striving to make life the way I think it should be; the way I know it should be. But truth, truth in the core of who I am knows better. It whispers that it’s not in having them know me, but in Him knowing me and me knowing Him that I will be satisfied. How is it I end up flaunting the exact opposite of what Jesus came to redeem in me. I fight with haunting facts that have already been defeated.

So how then?  How do I stop?  How do I embrace the grace and glory set in His heart to bestow on me?  How do I embrace it daily, when everything around me tries to convince me that it is a losing battle? Encountering conniving people with selfish motives, manipulating their words to appease my heart who seem found around every corner. Fathers and brothers meant to guard and protect are cowering and turning their heads. The most influential of all, my heart, my mind, so doubtful at times that I’ll ever be free of Eve’s decision. How do I not waver?

It’s nothing new. It’s been His desire since the beginning.

To be near.

Near to us. Near to His bride, His beloved. And since He never changes and never wavers, it is us that must choose to stay near to Him. We must stay so close to His heart that we hear its every beat. And as we do we will forever be convinced that He is good and His love satisfies every crevice of our hearts. We’ll believe His truthful words and obey them, not out of fear of punishment, but fear of being far from Him and what we’ll then be tempted to believe. We’ll recognize lying serpents and cut off their heads before they have a chance to speak.  We’ll stand side by side the men and women around us, confident in one thing. Not us. Not our ability. But that the haunting curse was taken and defeated and no longer is our portion, because of our Father’s great, great love. Opposite of Eve, we will be convinced of His love.

For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. -Psalms 84:11