As I’ve mentioned before I love to workout. Some seasons more than others, but regardless I love the way I feel when I’m pushing my body past what use to be a limitation. Cardio, lunges, squats, stair-climber, weights, pushups, sit-ups…you name it! Every now and again I attend a Pilates or Yoga class to change things up and work some different muscles. It was recently during a yoga class that I heard the instructor say the above statement.

“Engage your core”

I can’t tell you how many times in those classes when we’ve done 50-100 slow sit-ups (a hundred different ways) and the instructor is yelling this out that I find myself simply doing the motion, but not engaging my abs. On the surface everything about my sit-up looks right and productive, but I have checked out. I’ve disengaged my core muscles and let them relax so I could rest and coast through the rest of the crunches. Sometimes the decision is subconsciously made, but often it is simply a reaction to not wanting to do the work to push through and engage. Engaging takes work and some days I simply don’t want to do it. I’m tired. I don’t believe I can do it. I don’t believe in the results. But not engaging also means not getting results.

The difference between engaging and coasting when it comes to working out can be translated over into so many other arenas of life. Engaging or coasting in relationships. Engaging or coasting in our spiritual lives. Engaging or coasting in pursuing our goals and dreams. It’s a decision we all make based on varying factors. Tired, courage, belief, doubt, and the list goes on and on.  And often subconsciously. We coast. We do everything right on the outside, but our heart is withdrawn. It’s holding back and hiding. It’s sometimes having it’s own pity party, comparing our lives with the fruit of others.

But what would it look like? What would it look like if we chose to engage in our personal relationships every day? Those relationships God’s blessed us with and given us in each season. To be intentional with actually knowing them and not just living on the surface ok with knowing about them. What would it look like if we intentionally engaged our hearts, our minds, EVERYTHING, every time we came to God? Would their maybe be more “results”, more fruit? Would we maybe find the intimacy our heart’s been craving? Would we maybe be fulfilled and find the purpose we’ve been searching for, but afraid to admin?

Relationships are built on levels of intimacy, from simply seeing someone, to becoming an acquaintance, to engaging in a relationship where you actually know someone and the details about their life, and so on and so forth.  It’s the “engaging” part of knowing that most people subconsciously decide to avoid. Because that takes work. That takes being intentional and caring more about others than you do yourself.  It takes being vulnerable and taking risk. It takes letting go of offenses. It takes turning the other cheek. It takes confronting others in love. It takes listening. It takes being involved in each others lives outside of convenience. And with God it often takes the one thing we holding onto as more important than Him. But it’s in the “engaging” part where true fruit and lasting relationships grow and flourish. That’s the actual key to fruit and it’s where our hearts come alive.

Soooo I throw out an obvious suggestion.  One that through the ups and downs of life becomes less obvious. Do the work. ENGAGE your heart. Take any hurt, offense, misunderstanding, foggy-muggy-mess of any heart issues and submit them to your heavenly Father. Trust Him to take care of the details and explain them to you when you need to know them. You just take care of you. Do your part. Be all in! Don’t hide. Don’t hold back. Don’t NOT communicate. Don’t stand on the sidelines waiting for someone else to pursue your friendship. Don’t coast. Don’t waste time. Don’t do your lip service before God and your heart be left cold. He made you to need Him. He made you to desire Him. You won’t be satisfied until you do. Don’t just know about Him, but not actually know Him.

Do the work and ENGAGE YOUR CORE!

Sometimes life can seem like a series of questions with no answers or waiting for somewhere with no known destination. Sometimes my “inner-child” seems to be waiting for someone to tell me what to do or, at other times, what not to do. Waiting, wondering, pondering…have I been given permission for this or for that? Permission to live life the way my heart seems to be beckoning me to live.

It sounds silly to actually voice that out loud.  Something in me hates voicing what seems like an insecurity in not having all the answers and feeling like by now I should. By now–as if overnight 30 years old turned into this incredibly old age–I should have figured it all out. Comparison creeps in and points to others who seem to have the answers, who seem more brave, more together and moving forward.

Why would I be waiting on permission?

Permission for what? From who?

I quickly flash back to my freshman year in college. A year of freedom, where questions of permission from my parents were almost completely diminished. I decided my curfew, if I would attend class, if I would make friends, if I would succeed, and I remember learning something rather unconsciously. I realized I had full permission to be a girl, a woman, a female, and everything that that entailed. I’d never thought about it before, but my entire life I’d been an athlete, a girl amongst brothers, wearing their hand-me-downs and fully thriving in the idea that I could do anything they could. I disowned pink from a very young age and embraced blue, camo, hunting, sports, etc (granted I grew up in a small town where that was the normal for most girls). Ya, I wore makeup, loved to look pretty, dated the quarterback and still somehow I knew I’d never embraced all of the possibilities that lay before being a “girl”. I now met this whole new crowd of females who were embracing makeup and more makeup, manicures, pedicures, dresses, baking, shopping and more shopping, talk of weddings and details and more. Not all at once, but I heard it in the conversations of all of the girls I encountered and most of it I’d never talked about before. I had no idea how much I would end up loving these things, but I remember having the realization that I could explore the idea more! Timid and new to this whole world I realized I needed no permission to do so, for in fact, I was/am a girl. But it was there just the same, below the surface of my exploration of life, asking the question, could I be different than what I’d known for 18 years?

The question sits there, under the surface, unasked to anyone, but blockading all exploration until it is resolved. How many more questions in life have kept me resistant to moving forward? Resistant to embracing the freedom sitting before me. It’s obvious I didn’t need to ask anyone if it was ok for me to embrace pedicures and wearing more dresses and the idea of being more girly, the same way I didn’t need to ask anyone if it was ok to wear blue or camo or go hunting. One was simply what I knew and the other was the unknown.

Yesterday I came face to face with another similar question. I was reading a book (which I’ll try to paraphrase) that uses the analogy of a young boy who was born to a pair of incredibly gifted acrobats. But they lost him and he ended up being raised by a couple who were farmers. His entire life he felt out of place. The woman he knew as his mother was always overly worried. So to protect her heart he played out his life very safely, hiding his adventurous side and taking little risk. He learned to live within the restrictions that he knew. He learned to farm with his father and pushed his desires farther and farther down. His pent up frustration lashed out at friends from time to time, but he finally reached the point where he didn’t even feel the aching in his heart to do anything different. This was the life he knew–what he did, how he felt, and how he thought completely deceived him about who he really was. Every experience he’d ever had in life consistently supported it. His adopted mother’s fears, his father’s anger, even the geography and daily practice of life persuaded him to never question it. (Taken from Bob Hamp’s book Think Different Live Different)

But, what if?

What if we all have been given permission, like the young man above, to believe that what we do, feel, and think does not have to define us or be the whole truth. What if what your heart has been hinting at, or rather, screaming at you throughout your entire life, through the miriad of different experiences, that it’s trying to tell you the truth? What if you’ve already been given permission to believe what your heart is telling you?

What if what you think you’re waiting on is permission that you’ve already been given!

What if all of the things, circumstances, people… excuses that keep playing around in your head are simply just that and nothing more? What if the only power they have is what you decide to give them?

What if…you’ve already been given permission?

The young man in the story goes on to meet his birth parents and finds out who he was born to be. He then is faced with the decision; will he live in the comfortable and understood-continuing to bury desire, or will he choose to explore the new world of opportunity and be who he was born to be?

As I wrap this up, I realize I’ve probably written about this same exact thing a million different ways over the last 4 years, because bottom line, I simply still need reminding. Reminding that “what if’s” are always possibilities in God’s kingdom. That He. Is. For. Me! That He’s rooting for me, in my corner, out for my good, working behind the scenes, giving me full permission to run after Him with all that He’s put in me and hold nothing back. He always equips and prepares perfectly. That when at times I can feel like too much or not enough, He fills in the gaps. He’s daily reminding me, as well as all of us, that knowing our true identity as a child of God with the full inheritance of His Kingdom living within us is where true life resides and He’s fully given us permission to explore that life!

His permission works one of two ways, as a catalyst or as a blockade. It’s your choice.

But this trip was specifically dedicated to getting together with some of my best girlfriends from college (JBU). I look forward to our once a year get together all year and the memories and laughs that will be had! We’ve definitely all dubbed it “soul-sister weekend” at one time or another. There’s nothing like it! This year marks our Sixth (I think) Annual “Soul Sister” weekend and it’s hard to believe we’ve been able to keep it up with so many kids added to the mix, but I’m so grateful that we have. These women are all solid rocks and I love getting to do life with them even from afar!  So here’s a glimpse at our weekend!

These first few are from downtown Siloam Springs, where JBU resides.

We had a baby shower for Laura on Saturday…

And since three of my beautiful friends had just recently had babies, we had these three little boys joining us for the weekend. (From left: Marcus, Cully and Ryder)

After the shower we decided to go to a nearby park and have a little photoshoot…here’s all of us we got a random passerby to take.

And all of the boys…from the left…little, bigger, biggest!

Here is Lisa and 7 wk old Marcus. None of us could get enough of those little cheeks!

Here is beautiful Quin!

Here’s is Christie and 6 week old Cully Jace. Isn’t he a just adorable?!

Thanks to Kylie for snapping these…

Here’s Laura and her cute little belly bump, due mid-June!

Here is Kylie…

She decided to entertain us for a little bit…

And here’s a few of Kylie and 5 month old Ryder, the happiest little boy.And And that wraps up our wonderful weekend…until NEXT TIME!

You know me inside out

You know all my fears and my doubts

You know why I do the things I do

But you continue to…

You pursue me

You pursue me

You pursue me

You pursue me still

You know why my heart seems to rage

And all these things they seem so in vain

You know why I run the way I do

But you continue to…

You pursue me

You pursue me

You pursue me

You pursue me still

Oh you keep running after me

You keep running after me

You keep running after me

Oh for all the world to see

This song came to my mind today from years ago. It instantly brought me back to the season of life I was in when I heard it. A season where life seemed much more complicated than it needed to be and my view of why God loved me seemed hard to grab a hold of since I was bound and determined to focus on all of my weaknesses and failures rather than His perfect love. It was there in the midst of a gloomy December day that I found myself running. Running from the very tangible love God had placed in my life to show it to me. It was too much. Too extravagant. And I felt trapped, like a rabbit in a cage, and I wanted out and I wanted out fast.

It didn’t make sense, but my human instincts were kicking in and “fight or flight” was all I knew to do. Flight was winning over. I didn’t want to fight, not for this thing I couldn’t understand or comprehend. So I’d retreat. Running in the opposite direction. Again and again. It was the only thing that made sense, or so I thought. Trying to protect what I didn’t know didn’t need protection.

And there He’d be, running after me. Again and again.

I was torn. Torn between wanting my way, my old way of comfort and at the same time not wanting it. I also wanted His way. But it didn’t feel right. Could it be right. It was scary and real and I felt too vulnerable. His eyes were piercing through mine. They’d penetrated my wall and He knew. He knew I wanted to run and I hated that He knew. I felt a stab of pain looking back into His eyes as if every time I chose to run it broke His heart. It played tricks with my instincts. And somewhere, in the midst of that piercing, it was this relentless pursuit that was starting to peel back the layers of my heart to show me things I didn’t know were even there. Things I wanted. Things I’d never be ok without again.

And then I knew. I knew that His pursuit was never going to stop. He was running after me for all the world to see! He was showing off. Showing to me and to all those watching that He never stops. No wall was too high, too thick, too deep, too long for Him to get through. And though He didn’t have to and surely didn’t really need to, He was proving His love to me again and again. That I was not too much or not enough. That my fears didn’t scare Him. That my imperfections didn’t derail Him. He was in it for the long haul.

That day He broke through in a way I’ll never forget. His relentless love was and continues to always be a reminder of His continual pursuit of my heart. It didn’t start with a prayer when I was six years old and just stop, which He could have done, because goodness knows the cross was enough, but He didn’t stop there. Over the last 24 years He has continued to romance my heart, pulling back the layers, with such gentleness and patience I could not deny. Oftentimes revealing areas that need cut out or rearranged and other times revealing how much I was made in His image and bear His resemblance. He’s never stopped and He never will.

It’s a relentless pursuit.

In many of these situations I was simply sure I was right. I knew the right way, the right answer, the right anything. I was sure everyone else was in need of me not staying silent. I knew too many people who didn’t speak up and I felt it was my purpose in life to save people from themselves and their flaws. The flaws they couldn’t see, but everyone else was too scared to voice to them. Not me though. I wasn’t scared or intimidated by anyone, or so I convinced myself. I knew my “wise” insight would save them from many more flaws and…annoying anyone else.

Sure I knew it lacked in presentation and compassion, at least a little, and it wasn’t that I thought I was perfect, it was my “do unto others as you would have them do to you” routine. I didn’t want anyone pretending with me and the perfectionist striving in me knew the only way to perfect myself was to see what I couldn’t see in me–so I concluded this is exactly what I would want done to me, so why wouldn’t others welcome it as well. It was for their good.

Years of this thinking proved me completely wrong. Countless hearts wounded in my path, friendships hurting and most of all my heart was a walled up prison. But the best part, my favorite part, is that my heart was met with amazing grace. My independent attitude and life was confronted by a God who knew exactly what I needed and how I personally needed to walk through the process of learning to be a follower. Confronting my pride, my arrogance, my control, my perfectionism. He showed me how to have patience. How to give compassion and grace more than judgement. And ultimately how to know a love that let all of those things go, because someone had already paid a price for them. That was the love He knew I needed to get a glimpse of.

It’s been 12 years since God began that process. Well at least since I became aware of it. And only in the last two years did I come to an understanding of the great joy in simply following Him. Not helping Him. Not trying to figure life out and control it. Not perfecting myself or others around me. No. Simply following where He leads. That’s where I found my sweet spot.

I’ve barely been in this spot a second and I’ve realized I never want to leave. This place of unmerited favor, uninterrupted grace, abundant joy and peace… oh the peace! I don’t share this lightly, but rather from a place of complete awh. Awh that it was discovered by accident, as life often seems on our part. I can still remember when God whispered it into my spirit two and half years ago. I was getting ready to move out of my apartment and knew God had told me my roommate would be making other plans and that was for her best. I didn’t know where I was going to live and how I was going to afford it.

Then it came. “Just follow where I lead.”

It was the picture of all great dances led by confident men who step up not afraid to lead. Taking my hand asking me to trust Him-all of the ebbs and flows that would follow, in all of the unknown, in all of my uncertainty to even dance at His level-He was asking me to simply follow His lead.

With a playful smirk and a slight head turn, I slowly took His hand and consented. He smiled back and the dance began.

Two and half years later I can look back and see so many times when I wanted to retreat. I wanted to figure things out again and help Him lead. Like when I felt Him leading me to leave my nestled community that I’d been with for five years and follow Him into the unknown. Or when I was released from my job last fall and he twirled me into a completely different pace of life and foreign situation all to take complete care of me and provide. Or when I spent the first three weeks of this year praying about what God would have me do next for a job and watching Him open a door I never could have opened on my own.

The dance He leads us in, only He knows the music to. He knows the timing, the rhythm, the pace. It’s in our willingness to be putty in His hands that the dance becomes a beautiful display for all who are watching. The phrase, “she dances with such grace” makes perfect sense here. And we all recognize women who are trying to lead. They’re usually stiff, rigid, overly-opinionated, dominating and latched to a man that they created who is weak and serving their every whim. Now picture that man as God. He can’t be that…EVER! So that woman will continue dancing with a self-created idea of a god that she can control and manipulate. She’ll spend her life striving to fix something she can’t grasp because everything is out of order.

The greatest place of authority that a woman can ever be in, is when she is rightly submitted to her authority. It’s there she is safe, protected and in divine favor. Her striving for all that she thinks she should be or wants to be, because she’s compared herself to every other woman in the world, will only keep her circling the same mountain until she wearies of her self imposed ideas of a “godly” life. When she finally gives up, finally lays down her manipulating, her false motives, her agenda and rests in simply following her Father, as His daughter…she’s finally stepped into the most beautiful dance.

Be sure to click on the StudioG link above to read more great articles from last falls issue. You can also enlarge the pictures below by clicking on them. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

The entire weekend was actually a surprise and most of the time I was only told what we were doing once we were on our way. I was given little gifts all throughout the weekend, totaling 30. We hit up the Ft. Worth Rodeo friday night. Then went to brunch, pedicures, shopping and a great dinner on Saturday with a few additional close friends.

Most of my closest friends are from different seasons of life and completely different circles, so one of the funnest parts was watching them all connect and love each other just as much as I love them. I found myself several times throughout the weekend pausing and amazed at the incredibly, amazing friends God has somehow surrounded my life with. Deep friends.  Friends whose hearts radiate such love, in so many different ways, each pulling something out of me. Teaching me. Challenging me to love more sacrificially. Challenging me to be bold. To give grace more freely. To rest more often. To be more adventurous. To be more intentional. To encourage more. To dream more. To give more. They each add so much richness to my life and each show me a different aspect of the heart of God.

This weekend filled my love bucket to deep depths and THANK YOU to each of you who gave and participated in making this such a sweet birthday! From the planning details, to small gifts, to the extended quality time, to…oh ya, a ton of friends collaborated and gave me money to get a Kelly Moore camera bag!!! (Something I’ve wanted for a good while) Thank you! Not sure a girl could feel more special!

Hello 30′s!!!!!

Don’t forget!

You can’t forget this!  When the day seems dark and you feel incredibly weak and fear wants to creep in, remember He is all you need. He is enough. He satisfies. He is strong when you feel weak. He is MORE than enough. He is more than able! He is the LIGHT of your life. He’s the one you’re heart is truly longing for. He is the one place you find rest. He is the desire above all others. He is always faithful. He is always good and out for YOUR good. He loves you more than you could ever fathom. He directs your ever step. He leads you besides still waters and restores your soul. He has great plans for you. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him. Because of Him you can count it all joy! His grace is sufficient, His mercies new every day. He’s the same yesterday, today and forever. He’s the author and finisher of your faith. He will never leave you. He’s the holder of your heart. He is the one who promised and He’s faithful!

He is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?

He is the strength of my life, whom shall I be afraid?

So go jump! Go dance! Go live boldly knowing if He is for you, who can be against you! Go give your life away, fully understanding He is enough for your heart to overflow to every person He puts in your path. Go share the good news. Go love on those in need. Go laugh with the weary. Go cry with the mourning. Go and serve every where it’s needed. Go and don’t forget that He is more than enough for all you need! GO!