The return home is always hard. It’s hard adapting back to a culture of so much and not feeling guilty for those blessings. Guilt is never from God, but the wrestling I think very much could be. He allows us to wrestle with things. Allows our hearts to stir with agitation so we will come to Him with all of our questions. So He can show us His view and perspective on this life. I welcome the wrestling, because I know it helps refine my faith. It helps refine how I will choose to live the days of my life. But it is not easy and more days than not I don’t have time for it. I don’t have time to deal with the questions my heart is bringing to the surface. Work and relationships and life take all of me and I wonder if maybe my time has been misplaced for too long. Isn’t my heart essential? If I miss answering these questions, aren’t I missing living genuinely? Won’t I then just be living out of habit, but not heart?
The answers don’t come quickly. Maybe one day they will, but for now, they are agonizing and annoying. Awareness is a responsibility I feel the load of and I cannot escape without burying something I fear would ultimately kill me. How many other things are trying to get to the surface from years of denial. Trying to be heard. Trying to awaken another part of my heart I have compartmentalized, thinking it was the only way to survive. Thinking it was the only way my heart would not shatter into a million pieces. What I thought was saving my heart, was really putting it to death.
The girl’s eyes below have pierced a part of my heart I am at a loss to identify. If they could pierce me any deeper I might never stop crying. What is her story? What will her future story be? Will she be safe? Will she have clean water? Will she get an education? I was reminded by a pastor friend recently that life is not fair. It certainly is not, but may we never forget that to whom much is given, much is required. We are and have been blessed to be a blessing. So whatever you can do, do that! Don’t let what you can’t do, keep you from doing what you can do. We have all been given a measure that we can love and encourage and bless someone else. May we never forget.